I'm in Here
by jessalyn78
Summary: Christian helps Ana deal with severe postpartum depression after Phoebe's birth. ON INDEFINITE HIATIS
1. Chapter 1

I stand from the bridge and stare down at the water. I love this bridge. I used to bring Teddy to this bridge before…

He used to like to stare down at the water too. I always held him so close. I was always so afraid he'd fall. I feel a twinge of happiness as I remember, but in a way it only makes it worse. It only reminds me of how much different my life is now.

Once again I stare down at the water. I have to do this. I need to do this. They'll all be better off without me. They might not know it, but it's true. Christian will find someone new. It will only take two seconds for Christian to find a woman willing to be with him- the devastatingly gorgeous millionaire. Christian will make sure the kids are taken care of. They'll be fine.

I just can't keep living like this. It all hurts too much. Every moment is so hard. I can't do it anymore…

"Ana" Christian yells as he quickly runs towards me. Before I'm able to process what is happening he wraps me in his arms. "Don't do this! Don't you dare do this, please" he sobs.

"I'm sorry" I reply coldly. I look around. Christian's brought so many people with him- some I recognize, some I don't.

"Were you actually going to do it?" he chokes through sobs.

"Yeah" I answer honestly.

"Oh God, why?" he asks as he pulls back and stares into my eyes.

"I guess" I say with a sigh. "I guess in the end I'm no better than the crack whore."

I see the devastation spread across his face.

"No" he whispers. "No, not you. Not my Ana. Not my precious Ana."

"Who are those people?"

"These people are going to help you" he explains softly.

"You're committing me" I bite back as I roll my eyes.

"Anastasia, look at yourself. You were about to jump off a fucking bridge! How could you do this to me!?"

"I would have done you a favor!" I yell. "I would have done you and everybody else a favor!"

"No!" he yells as he starts to sob again. "No, no , no, no!"

"I'm cold" I say softly.

Christian stares at me for a moment and then takes his coat off and wraps it around me.

"Come on baby" he says softly as he guides me away from the bridge. "It's all okay now. We're going to get you help."

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	2. Chapter 2

I startle awake. Where the hell am I? What the hell happened? It all comes back to me in flashes: Christian, the bridge. Shit. I know where I am. I look around and my suspicions are confirmed. I'm in the hospital. I try to roll over, but can't. I look down. I'm strapped to the bed. They've actually strapped me to the bed. What kind of a lunatic do they think I am?

"Help" I call out as I try to move once again. "Help me!" I continue as I pull and pull on my restraints but to no avail.

"Mrs. Grey" a nurse in blue scrubs says calmly as she enters my room. "It's okay dear. Do you know where you are?"

"I need to get out of here" I explain as I continue to wiggle around.

"It's okay dear" she repeats soothingly as she injects something into the IV bag attached to my arm.

"What is that?"

"It's just a little something to calm you down" she explains.

"Okay" I mutter as I try to relax. They aren't going to let me out of here, but if I'm drugged into unconsciousness it won't really matter.

"Do you know where my husband is?"

"No dear, I'm sorry. I don't."

For a moment, for one terrible moment it feels like a knife in my chest to hear that he isn't here. But then I remember. I remember how it is now. How I am now. How we are now, and I'm relieved he isn't here. This isn't good for him. I'm not good for him. He needs to move on. And I need… I need to get out of here.

"Please" I say to the nurse in a weak voice. My eyelids feel so heavy, and I feel myself slip further and further into unconsciousness. I try to fight it, but it's pointless. And everything goes black again.

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I awake once again, but this time I know where I am. I don't bother trying to move, I don't bother trying to fight. I just stare off into the distance and think about the past few months.

I was _so_ excited when I found out I was going to have Phoebe. A little girl. I've _always _wanted a little girl. It seemed like my life was perfect: a fulfilling career, a great group of friends, a husband who adored me, a perfect baby boy and another baby on the way. But then, I ruined it all.

I remember the exact moment I knew something was wrong with me. It was the first night after we brought Phoebe home. She was crying so I picked her up and began to rock her. But as I looked at her and held her I felt nothing towards her. It wasn't anything like when Ted was a baby. All of those motherly feelings- feelings of love, feelings of fierce protectiveness, feelings of awe- were replaced by complete and total apathy.

I thought it would go away, I thought I could ignore it. But the more I tried, the stronger it got and eventually my feelings of apathy turned into feelings of resentment. I resented her, an innocent baby, _my_ baby. What kind of person could feel that way?

But it wasn't just Phoebe. My relationship with every person in my life changed. I completely fell out of contact with Kate and Jose. Calls from Ray and my mother were left unanswered. I left the kids with the nanny as often as I could, and I grew further and further away from Christian. He of course noticed this, and he tried_ so_ hard to connect with me again. But the harder he pushed, the harder I pushed back.

The shit really hit the fan when I lost my job. I deserved to lose it, my job performance had been horrible. As hard as I tried, I just could not get into it. I just couldn't care.

Christian was happy that I wouldn't be working anymore, ecstatic actually. He thought this would be the end of all of our issues. He thought that I would turn into this domestic goddess and everything between us would go back to normal. That's what should have happened, that's what Christian deserved, but the opposite happened because I can't do anything right anymore. I can hardly get out of bed in the morning and drag a brush through my hair, let alone take care of two children. Christian just seems so disappointed and frustrated with it all, and I don't blame him. That's how I feel too.

I just can't do it anymore. I can't keep seeing how much I'm hurting him. I can't keep breaking his heart, I can't keep breaking my kids hearts. I failed them. I failed myself. I don't even know what I want anymore. I guess I want to be happy? But a part of me knows I don't deserve that. I deserve to die. I should have died. Oh, why did Christian have to stop me? Doesn't he understand? Can't he see? I'm not the woman he fell in live with, I'm not the women he married, I don't even know who the hell I am anymore, but I definitely don't deserve him. He could do so much better than me.

I just wish I could get out of this damn bed. It's like torture to be stuck here, unable to move, forced to be alone with my thoughts. My own head is a very dark place to be in right now. I'd like some sort of distraction, something to take my mind off of all my issues.

Maybe if I get that nurse back in here she can turn the TV on.

"Excuse me!" I yell. "Excuse me I need help!"

"Ana!" I hear Christian yell as he runs through the door.

I just stare at him blankly.

"What is it baby, what's wrong?"

"Everything" I say as I look down. "Christian, everything's wrong!"

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	3. Chapter 3

"Are you in pain?" Christian asks urgently as he walks towards me.

"No Christian, I'm fine" I reply coldly.

"Why were you screaming?"

"I just… I wanted to turn the TV on. It's a little hard to do it myself since I can't move."

Christian silently walked over to the TV on the wall and switched it on. "Anything in particular you want to watch?" he asks.

"No" I reply. "It doesn't matter."

He turns it to PBS and then sits in the chair next to me. "I saw earlier that they're showing the Anne of Green Gables movie on this channel. I know you love that book."

"Thank you" I respond as I look away. "Where have you been?"

"Filling out paperwork and talking to doctors. I didn't realize you were awake."

"Well, I haven't been for too long" I sigh.

There's a long awkward silence between us that I finally break.

"So… you're committing me?" I ask sharply.

"I'm having you admitted to a residential facility with a very good reputation."

"So it's a ritzy nuthouse?" I reply as I roll my eyes.

"What did you expect Anastasia?" he asks angrily. "I found you ready to jump off a bridge-"

"So you thought you'd prolong my misery" I say as I start to cry.

"No, I thought I'd save your life."

"It's not going to work you know!" I yell.

"What's not going to work?"

"Shipping me off somewhere isn't going to turn me back into the person I used to be!"

"Ana-"

"I'm sorry Christian. That woman is gone. The sooner you get over it the better. The sooner you get over me the better."

"Why are you saying all of these awful things about yourself?" Christian asks in a horrified tone.

"Because they're true!"

"Damn it Ana, no they're not!"

"Christian, I can't feel anything. Not for you, not for our kids. I'm a terrible mother, a terrible wife, a terrible employee, and friend, and daughter, and person. I'm no better than…"

"Don't!" Christian yells interrupting me. "Don't you dare say that again. It isn't true. You're my Ana. You're my wonderful Ana. You're just sick baby. I know you don't see it that way right now, but you have postpartum depression. It isn't going to last forever. Maybe you need meds- that's okay. We can deal with that. What I couldn't deal with is losing you. You don't need to give up. That isn't your only option."

"This doesn't sound like you" I reply bitterly. How many doctors have you talked to about me?"

"Ana, I'm going to get you help. We are going to get through this."

"Is that what they told you to say?"

"Ana-"

"Christian, really. Stop it. Stop wasting your time with me when you could be…"

"Could be what?"

"Could be finding someone better?"

"Someone better?" Christian asks as if I've just suggested something utterly ridiculous. "Ana, baby there is no one better than you."

"Christian-"

"You're sick, but it isn't permanent. Your life can be like it was before. _We _can be like we were before. We can be a happy family, the three of us. Ana, do this for the kids."

"The kids would be better off without me" I cry.

"Better off without their mommy? Ana, those kids adore you!"

"Which is why they'll be better off without me. Christian, I can't be what they need. I'm only going to break their hearts."

"So fight" he says challengingly. "Fight. Fight to be what they need. You can do it. I know it might not feel like you can right now, but you can. I promise you, you can. You've helped me so much Mrs. Grey. Now it's my turn. I'm going to help you. I'm going to help you fight through this, and we're going to make it out the other end even stronger."

"I wish that were true" I cry.

"Then believe it" he says softly as he wipes the tears from cheeks. "Believe in yourself. Believe in us."

"Christian-"

"Just take it one step at a time. Do what the doctors tell you to do."

"Okay" I shrug. "I have nothing to lose."

"And everything to gain" he adds. "I swear to you Ana, you're going to get better" he adds as he kisses my head.

"I'm going to have Taylor gather some of your things at the house. I have some more provisions to make for you. Watch your movie. It's all going to be okay baby."

"Okay" I reply softly. Is Christian right? I'm I really going to get better? Can I really let myself believe that?

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	4. Chapter 4

I try to watch the movie Christian put on, but I just can't seem to focus enough to follow anything that's actually going on. I stare at the ceiling, and for a minute I don't think about anything. I just let myself be still. It's a welcome escape, but I'm soon interrupted when I hear the door to my room open.

"Hello Ana" Christian says as he re-enters my room.

"Hi" I reply coldly. "When can I get out of here?"

"Less time than we initially thought. You agreeing to be transferred to Sunnyvale of your own free will has sped things up."

"So if I didn't agree… you _were _going to commit me?"

"Yes" he replies. "If I needed to. I really don't want to have to find you standing on the edge of another bridge, or worse…"

"Do you have any idea when they're going to let me go?" I interrupt angrily.

"The hospital isn't going to let you leave for another 12 hours."

"Why?" I snap. "I'm fine, Christian- nothing actually happened to me."

"You're on a 24-hour suicide watch Ana, you're still considered a danger to yourself." He glares at me for a moment. "This is some serious shit."

I roll my eyes. "I know" I grit through my teeth. "I think they can at least stop restraining me, it's not like I've gone postal on anybody."

"I can try to talk to a doctor…" he replies nervously.

"Thanks… So, this place you're sending me to- What's it like?"

"It's highly recommended. They have some of the best psychiatrists in the area."

I nod and look away. "What are you going to tell Teddy?"

"Well luckily, I won't have to tell him that you're dead" he responds bitterly. "No little boy should have to deal with that."

"I get it Christian. You're pissed."

He clenches his fists tightly and remains silent for a moment. "How I feel doesn't matter Anastasia" he finally responds. "All that matters right now is getting you the help you need."

I look at him sympathetically. "Are you… are you okay? Are you taking care of yourself?"

"Don't worry about that now" he bites back.

"You don't have to do all of this you know. You should take care of yourself. You should take care of the kids."

"Damn it Ana, shut up. You need me, I'm not going anywhere. I know you've given up on yourself, but I haven't given up on you. I haven't given up on us, and I'm never going to."

This is so frustrating! I wish things could be as simple as Christian's making them seem, but they aren't. I try to stop myself from crying, but my sobs escape. Without thinking I try to wipe the tears from my face, but my arms are jerked back by the restraints.

"Here" Christian says softly as he takes a Kleenex from the desk near my bed and gently dabs it against my face. I look up at him and feel a fresh wave of guilt. I can see what this is doing to him. I can see how much he loves me, but I just can't feel the way I used to. I can't make it be the way it used to be between us.

"It really is all going to be okay baby" he says gently.

I nod at him, and then look away. My eyelids start to feel heavy again.

"Are you tired?"

"Yeah" I reply. "They drugged me up pretty good…"

"Get some sleep" he says as he sits in the chair near my bed. "I'll be here when you wake up."

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_I stand over Phoebe's crib. I can hear her crying. I can see her crying. But I don't do anything. I can't do anything. I'm not sure what's wrong. I'm not sure how to help. I'm not sure I want to help. God that's awful. She needs me. I'm her mother, but I just can't seem to figure this whole thing out. With Ted, it was so much different. Taking care of him came naturally, loving him came naturally._

_There's nothing wrong with this baby. She's beautiful… perfect. It's me. Something's wrong with me. Something's very wrong with me._

_"I'm sorry" I whisper as her cries grow louder. _

_"Just pick her up!" my subconscious yells at me. "You're her mother, she needs you."_

_"I can't" I whisper as I cover my ears with my hands and back away from the crib._

_"Ana?" Mrs. Jones asks as she walks into the room. "I'm sorry dear, I heard the baby crying, I didn't realize you were in here."_

_"No" I reply. "It's okay. Would you mind- would you mind taking care of her? I'm really tired."_

_"Of course dear" she answers. "Is everything okay?"_

_"Yeah" I reply as I walk out of the nursery. "I'm fine."_

_I walk into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. I look like I did before. I look like Ana. But I feel totally different. I don't even recognize myself. I don't even know who I am anymore._

"Ahh" I yell as I jerk awake.

"What's wrong?" Christian asks urgently. "Did you have a bad dream?"

"It was more like a memory than a dream" I explain. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"That's fine" Christian says gently. "While you were asleep your doctor came here to talk to you. I told him to come back in thirty minutes, and that was twenty minutes ago, so he should be here soon."

"Oh" I reply. "That should be… interesting."

"Just be honest" Christian says as he places a hand on my shoulder. "He wants to help you Ana, just like I do."

I look at Christian and give him a strained smile. I feel so unworthy of him, but I have him. For whatever reason I have him. He isn't going anywhere. And while that scares me in a way, it also comforts me in a strange way. It makes me feel like there may be a small glimmer of hope.

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	5. Chapter 5

"Hello" the doctor says politely as he takes the seat next to my bed. "I'm Doctor James."

"Hello" I answer.

"I've heard about what happened earlier tonight."

"Yeah" I sigh. "Not my finest moment."

"I understand that you've been struggling with some feelings since the birth of your daughter."

"Yeah" I scoff.

"Do you mind if I ask you some questions about these feelings."

"No" I answer apathetically. "Go ahead."

"Since the birth of your daughter, have you felt restless?"

"I guess" I answer. "Yeah."

"Have you found yourself experiencing irritability?"

"Yeah" I nod.

"Have you found yourself having less energy?"

I nod. "It's been pretty impossible to get anything done" I say fighting tears.

"Have you suffered with any insomnia?"

"No" I answer. "Not particularly."

"Have you had any trouble paying attention?"

"Definitely" I answer. "It made it really tough when I was working…"

"Have you found yourself being overly concerned about your baby?"

"No" I scoff. "It's been the opposite. That makes me a terrible person, right?"

"I'm not here to judge you Mrs. Grey, I'm here to help you get better" he answers softly.

"Have you had any feelings of guilt?"

"Yes, how could I not?"

"Has your interest in sex decreased?"

"My interest in everything has decreased" I snap.

"Have you had any thoughts of harming your baby?"

"No" I answer. "No, I don't feel anything for her, or anyone right now, but I would never hurt her… I want her to be happy. The same goes for my husband and my son, I just know I can't give them anything right now."

The doctor nods at me as he takes notes. "I'm going to prescribe an anti-depressant for you Mrs. Grey. My past patients have had a lot of success with Lexapro, are you familiar with it?"

"No" I say. "No, but that doesn't matter, I'll take it if you think it will help."

"It's very good that you're being so cooperative and willing to accept help. Not our patients are."

"Well I want to get better" I sigh.

"I see no reason why that won't happen" he smiles at me.

"Your husband has made provisions to have you sent to an institute known as Sunnyvale tonight. It's true that you've agreed to this?"

"Yes" I answer.

"Okay" the doctor answers. I just have some paperwork for you to fill out, and then you can be on your way."

"Thank you" I say forcing a smile.

"You're welcome Mrs. Grey" he replies warmly.

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"Have you got everything?" Christian asks as he helps me into the car.

"Yes" I reply. "I'm all set."

"How are you feeling?" he asks softly as he helps me with my seatbelt.

"Christian I can buckle my seat belt, I'm a nutcase not a child" I snap.

"Don't say that" he snaps back.

"It's true" I argue as I roll my eyes.

"No, it isn't. Ana, you're sick but you're going to get better."

I nod and look away. God, I'm being such a bitch to him. I feel so awful, but at least this way he might understand. He might see that he can do so much better than me right now.

"I'm sorry" I mutter. "I shouldn't have snapped at you."

"It's okay" he sighs. "I understand."

"Why?" I ask. "Why are you _so_ understanding all of the sudden? Are you getting help too? Have you been talking to Flynn."

"Don't worry about me Ana" he says softly.

"Damn it Christian, I'm always going to worry about you. I might be… an Ice Queen right now, but…I care about you. I know what this must be doing to you…"

"Then get better" he interrupts. "That's all I need from you Ana, I need you to get better."

"I can't make any promises" I shrug.

"You can promise to try" he says, and I can tell he's holding back tears.

"I do" I say. "I promise. I'll try. I'll do my best to get better."

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I startle awake and realize that I have fallen asleep on Christian's shoulder.

"We're here baby" he says gently as he nudges me.

"Oh" I respond. "Okay."

"It's going to be okay" he says. "Me and Taylor are going to sign you in and get you set up."

"And then you're going to leave?" I ask nervously.

"I'll be back tomorrow" he replies. "Ray's visiting tomorrow too."

"Ray?" I ask. "You talked to Ray?"

"I did" he answers. "I thought a visit with him would do you some good."

"I think it might" I agree. "Thank you."

"Of course" he says as he makes his way to the entrance of the building.

I follow behind him. God this is it. This is actually happening. I'm actually being signed into a sanitarium by my husband. Because I tried to jump off of a bridge. This is so surreal. How did this happen? How did my life get this way? I wish I could be anywhere else. I wish I could be anyone else.

Suddenly, I feel panicked, and I have to fight a thought that I know is wrong.

If I tried to run away right now, I probably could. Taylor and Christian are far enough away for me to have a head start.

But where would I go? What would I do when I got there?

The uncertainty makes me nervous but it also intrigues me. I have the same relieved feeling inside that I had when I decided to go to the bridge. I have an escape. I have a way to get out of this. I turn around quickly and start to make my way out the door…

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	6. Chapter 6

I escape into the dark night and feel the cold air against my skin. I welcome the sensation. It serves as a sharp contrast to the numbness I feel inside.

Suddenly, I feel a force tugging me back- back towards the hospital, back towards Christian. I look up and see that it is in fact Christian himself who is pulling me back, his strong arms around me, his face buried in my hair.

"Please don't do this" he begs with a breathless whimper. "Please try, please come back to me."

"I'm sorry" I say as the familiar sensation of guilt rips through me. "You can let go of me; I'm not going to run."

"Excuse me" a nurse says running up to us. "What's wrong?"

"My wife needs help" he says as he continues to hold me tightly. "She's a danger to herself. She tried to commit suicide earlier tonight."

"Christian, it's okay; I'm not going to run, let go of me!" I yell as I struggle to push him away.

"Do you think she needs to be sedated?" the nurse ask softly

"No!" I shout as I fight to get away from him. But my attempts only make the nurse's concerns grow and she's soon calling for back up.

"I'm not going to run!" I insist. "Please just let me go" I know that I'm only making it worse for myself by carrying on this way, but I'm just so desperate for Christian to let go of me. I feel so helpless.

"It's okay Mrs. Grey" a male nurse holding a needle says softly.

"No!" I scream. "No, please, I'm not going to run."

I wince as I feel the needle pierce my flesh. "It's okay" the nurse repeats.

"Just relax baby" Christian adds. "We just want to help you."

The familiar tired feeling from earlier returns as Christian finally releases me. Christian and one of the nurses help me into a wheel chair.

"Let's get you settled in" the nurse says as she begins to wheel me down the hall.

Oh God, what the hell is going to happen to me?

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"Good morning Mrs. Grey" a friendly woman says, waking me from my sleep.

I startle awake as I gather my surroundings. When I realize where I am, I only feel more frightened.

"Did you sleep well?" she asks as she places a blood pressure cuff around my arm.

"I was drugged, what do you think?" I answer sarcastically.

"You slept through breakfast" she says, ignoring my comment. "Visiting hours start soon, I know you were expecting someone."

"My husband and my father" I nod.

"After that you have a session with Doctor Noblach, and then a group therapy session at 3:00."

"Busy day" I mutter.

"Your vitals are good" she says brightly. "Do you have any complaints?"

God, where do I start?

"No" I answer. "I'm okay."

"Hope you have a nice day" she says sunnily as she exits the room.

I'm pretty sure that won't be case, but I'm glad she's enjoying herself so much. I wonder if they're going to give me some of whatever she's taking. "That might not be so bad" I joke to myself, internally rolling my eyes.

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"Ray" I say softly as I walk towards him with my arms out.

"Annie" he sighs as he pulls me into his arms. "Oh Annie" he sighs. "What the hell were you thinking?"

Oh shit, here it comes.

"Ray, I wasn't thinking I just-"

"You just tried to jump off a bridge!? Do you have any idea what that would have done to me, or your kids, or Christian? Have you seen the man Ana? He's a wreck!"

"Really?" I snap. "Because I'm doing fantastic."

"Annie" he cries as he strokes me hair. "Why?"

"Everything's a mess Dad" I sniffle. "I just can't pull it together."

"You could have come to me. I would have helped you, I would have done anything to stop you from-"

"I just feel so lost" I say as I stare down at the floor.

"It's going to get better now" he says softly. "Just promise me you aren't going to try to hurt yourself again."

"Okay" I sniffle. "I promise, I'm so sorry Ray."

"I'll come back later this week" he says clearing his throat. "If you need anything-"

"I'll call you" I interrupt with a nod. "I'm sorry."

"Hey baby" Christian says as he enters the room.

"I'll see you" Ray says as he kisses my head. Him and Christian shake hands and then it is the two of us alone.

"I wasn't going to run" I snap. "You didn't have to hold me down like I was some sort of escaped zoo animal."

"You tried to run" he explains softly, in a tone he uses with Ted when he's explaining to him. It's frustrating, and irritating, and-

"I just want you safe Ana, if you took off like that, you wouldn't have been."

"I shouldn't have tried to run, I'm sorry, but-"

"I'm not going to apologize for trying to keep you safe, but I'm glad you're here now. I'm glad you're trying."

"I haven't really done anything yet" I mutter.

"You're staying. That's enough for right now."

I nod appreciatively.

"Ted drew this for you" he says holding me a piece of folded construction paper.

It's a card. He drew flowers, or at least I think that's what they are, all over and he wrote "I love you mommy" in big letters. It tugs at my heart and once again I feel so damn guilty.

"I told him you were sad" Christian explains softly. "He wanted to make you happy again."

"Tell him I said thank you" I say as tears fill my eyes.

"You can tell him" he suggests. "Maybe this evening you could call him, I think he'd like that."

"I will if they let me" I shrug. "But don't tell him about it ahead of time, I don't want him to be disappointed."

"Alright" he says as he runs his hands through his hair. "You have an appointment soon, I should get going."

"Are- are you coming back tomorrow?" I ask nervously.

A slight smile spreads across his face. "Yeah baby, I'll be here tomorrow."

"Okay" I nod. "I'll see you then."

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